Rock Bottom Day - 3rd December 2013

So far this week I have smashed a window because I was playing my music too loud too late at night on my phone and Simon dared to tell me to turn it down. That's normal isn't it?  I took his car so I could get more alcohol and it ended in a massive argument with him which I hardly remember.  His kids were there.  I got violent and he called the police. I had sobered up a bit by the time they got there as I had driven my car to the park with the intention to sleep there but decided I didn't want to so walked home barefoot as I had forgotten my shoes.  All this too is normal isn't it? Or has the abnormal become normal?

Today was the Ipad fight. It actually isn't an Ipad it is an android tablet which is much better as it isn't apple therefore not tied to Itunes which was the bane of my existence when I had an Iphone.  I always forgot the password and would have to reset it each time I tried to logon.  It probably didn't help that I was drunk every time I logged on but of course it was Apple's fault.

Back to the fight.  I bought my son Will a tablet for Christmas because I had promised him one all year. Yes we probably couldn't afford it as I owe my lawyer $28K but after the few years the kids have had I couldn't let him down. (To briefly explain the few years I will draw the outline. Because of alcohol I lost custody of my two boys to my ex husband). I will go into more detail later. Anyway, really back to the fight now.  Yes I was drinking. Yes I was totalled, whats new? My partner, Simon, was really shitty over the purchase and I pressed and pressed him until we ended up shouting. I accused him of hating my kids, of hating me. Well that was the end of the world for me.  The stress of the last few months, the courts, the fighting over kids, the kids, my drinking, all came to a head and as I was drunk I couldn't see any way out of the black hole I found myself in, which I myself, had actually dug.  I was useless, everyone was better off without me, I had really fucked up my life. Widening circles seemed to go on forever, its hard to run with your feet tied together.  Simon had hurt me with the words I forced him to say and I was going to hurt him back.  He had gone to bed and I gulped back a handful of baclofen tablets washed down with Rispiridone and wine.  I went to bed.